yesterday.

I’m starting to forget the shape of your face. I remember only flashes of what your body looked like. I know it still exists; it’s just in bed with someone else.

The first moment you were inside me, I giggled at the rhythm of your thrusts. You asked me if I was laughing at you. I told you I wasn’t. I was. I was pretending to be sweet, at the time. But my sweetness is a finite resource, as you have now discovered, and occasionally the parts of me that are not gentle come out, boil over. I should have told you I thought that your hurried thrusts and attempts to give it to me hard deflated all the puffed up imaginings I had of you. You’re quite a proud man, when unclothed. Your pride might momentarily make you into a lion, but really you are a house cat. I told you that you made me purr. You never did.

If I had told you these things, instead of murmuring sweetness to you, instead of spinning sugar, you’d probably still be yearning to rub hard up against my leg.

It was your words that got to me and made me forget my own snigger. It was the meaning that you forced me to give to your rough caresses. I should have remembered that I laughed at you, as easy as sin.

As you left my room, you paused, moved slowly, so that someone else you once slept with didn’t see you leave. You once told me that you only ever kissed her, and it has occurred to me that that is not true, not true at all. You can not even be faithful to a long ago past. You are probably right now repeating this lie about me. “I only ever drunkenly kissed her.”

It’s not true, little girl. He fucked me and bit me and spread my legs so far that it hurt. He put his hands around my throat, gently, pretending that it didn’t mean that he hated me. He was angry when I bit him back and left my mark. My throat was marked for days. He was scared that I was laughing at him. He is probably far nicer to you. Maybe it is because you are prettier, or younger. Or because he knew, all along, that somewhere inside me, I thought he was a joke and knew he was a lie.